Rediscovering myself in the gloom

 Written by Hammer Time (submitted by P.O.)

My family and I moved from Arkansas to Texas in August of 2014 - me, my M, 5 y/o daughter, 2 y/o son, 5 week old son, and two dogs. I thought this would be the best move for me and my family, despite having no job lined up for me. Prior to the move, I worked 14 years in a large church - started as a junior high youth pastor, worked as a music pastor/director, and then became the executive pastor. Throughout those 14 years, I also worked for our inner-city church and served our homeless community. It seemed like no matter what I tried, with grit and determination, I succeeded. I had a community. I had influence. I was known. I had purpose. I had drive. I felt like a winner. I had hope, but I worked a lot. When my wife became pregnant with my daughter in 2009, I decided to get my Masters in Social Work to switch careers and hopefully be more present with my family. When I graduated with my masters degree in 2014, we decided to move to the Austin area so I began applying to open positions in the area. I applied for countless jobs (~100), but never received an opportunity to interview with a single one of them! My wife, a nurse, applied for one job, received an interview, and was hired. We had 3 weeks notice to pack up, find a place to live, and move. Once we relocated to Texas, I began applying again. After nearly 50 online applications, I still had no responses for an interview. I began to question my worth, my competence, my experience, and my belief in myself. I was losing and felt like a loser. I wondered why no one seemed to take a chance on me. I had hoped my experience and new degree would open doors, but nothing opened. Two of my best friends in the area told me they would get me a job, but they could not find a job for me either. I finally took a $10/hour job to do what I could to provide for my family. That messed with my brain. I was a married 38 year old with 3 kids, 2 dogs, a mortgage in Arkansas, and rent in Texas making less money than I had when  I was a 23 year old single college student. This scenario has played out year after year, since we moved to Texas. It hasn't felt like the best move for my family.  I’ve never been able to recoup the salary I had in Arkansas, with any company. As a man, the provider of my home, I felt less then. For the first time in my life, I fell into deep, dark depression. I isolated. This used-to-be-people-person would much rather sit at home and stop engaging. I took the lack of employer interest in me personally and did not think I had any value to offer anyone. I felt like a failure. To be honest, I still fight feeling like a failure. There were times driving down I-35 highway that I prayed someone would just swipe me off the road and put an end to the inner turmoil I was in. Over a year ago, while isolating, I began playing Halo. I met a dude on there. A few months ago, while playing with the dude, I felt comfortable enough to share the above journey with him. There was anonymity, so I actually felt safer sharing it. To my surprise he used to live in the area and we shared similar backgrounds. I told him I needed to get back into a community and that I probably should start getting back into shape again. He tells me about F3 and his F3 name, Covenant. He explained to me how F3 started and what it had done for him. He looked online to find an AO near me. This was August 2023. I told him I would go the following week. September 1, 2023, I woke up early and nervous, but determined to go to F3 because I told Covenant I would. I arrived at Sasquatch, walked up to the flags, and told them what my buddy told me to say, “My name is Steve. I’m an FNG and my buddy Covenant from F3-Katy told me about F3 and this location. He said something about Impact being a site Q and Whitehat doing a BD?” I was welcomed quickly and then we circled up and I was on my way to my first F3 experience. I’ll never forget my first gloom workout. Struggling with other men to accomplish a task, laugh along the way, and then chat at the end was strangely satisfying. I found myself exhausted, yet energized too. At the end, I was given the name HammerTime - a handyman and mental health therapist. I am grateful Covenant shared with me about F3. It is truly the highlight of my day. Like many men have shared with me about their F3 experience, I echo it. I came for the workout, but I’m staying for much more. The quality of HIMs I’ve met since September have made a significant impact in my life. I used to be people-person, with passion, purpose, drive, and hope. For many years, I’ve struggled to find the strength to dig deep and rediscover myself. What I’ve come to understand is that I tried to do it alone. Watching the PAX struggle in the gloom and listening to the PAX share their stories andtheir time with me, I am inspired. I can feel myself climbing back to rediscover me. I am honored to share my mornings with HIMs, because I know I am better for it. To the HIMs of Sasquatch, Shootout, and Tigers Den, thank you for pushing me to be a better man than when I first attended.